I am an 8 on the Enneagram and if you know what that means you’ll understand when I say I don’t like difficult feelings. I know that no one really likes to be sad but I have friends that are much better at it than me. I have a way of closing “Sad” up in a box and maybe, dropping a tear on the top before I turn and run the other way. Now, you will not see me run (ever really because I don’t run!) but I will busy myself with something so that my sad box can go quietly into the night. With BIG Sad this does not work for long. I’ve learned with age that my biggest sources of grief will just burst out of my box and stomp on my chest. More like stomp and tear and pound and scream, until I give it the attention it needs.
But this is not the grief I’m learning about now.
There’s this other grief that isn’t something catastrophic where you have to take time off work to handle. It’s a grief about smaller things, mini things, that aren’t cute but you can keep moving. These are things that I generally want to tell myself are “not a big deal” or “nothing I can do about it so move on”. I’m action-oriented so when I think there is nothing else to “do” I forget about it, or try to.
Recently while listening to a podcast about grieving what we lost through the pandemic, it dawned on me that I did lose something during that time, that I can never get back. Oh no….icky feelings.
I lost time with my oldest son.
Now let me be clear- my son is fine, he is still alive and well.
The back story is at the beginning of the pandemic he went to live with his father and did not come back for 16 months. I fought hard to get him back but finally took some good advice to let him go, and figure things out. He was 16 years old- you can fill in the blanks!
During his absence from my home I continually reached out, inviting him to trips, holiday celebrations, dates and to live back at home. He did come to most of these events, just not home for good and I became accustomed to having less of him. It hurt, but I “needed to make the best of it”. I was definitely sad for a while – I’m not a robot! – but I just kept it moving. And EVENTUALLY….. He came back. Which was joyful and exciting, no need for any icky feelings here. But in true 8 fashion I’ve had him back almost a year and just realized I need to unpack and process all those icky feelings I packed in my box.
But do I have to??
On inspection, this box is full of molding and rotting feelings. That nasty reaction to my ex (my son’s father)- OH that was because I haven’t forgiven him for taking my son from me. Not quite ready for that one.
My hesitation to push my son to move out for college? Just normal mom stuff right? UMMM, no. There’s more there. I lost time with him….
UGH
I hate unpacking but it’s the only way to move.
And unpacking requires a blade, a sharp one that hurts because I layered a lot of tape on top to keep those icky feelings underneath.
My revelation is that even mini events of grief can be points of growth. You just have to slow down to acknowledge them and give them the time they need.
If you need help unpacking or slowing down to reflect contact me, I’m better at your boxes than mine!