Being the mother of a teenage daughter is hard. I’m sure I heard an “AMEN” just now. But honestly, it is. You see them making mistakes and you wish so hard to save them from the pain. All the pain, really. The pain they cause themselves, the pain others inflict on them, and also the pain you inflict on them. Which mothers ALWAYS do.
*Sorry if you are new to this parenting thing and think you are that special parent who will manage to not hurt their children- but this will not be the case. If you still think this, then hold off on reading this blog post until later in your life.
I digress- *
You know you cannot, nor should you, keep them from the pain because that is how we all mature. Enduring the pain of life makes us wiser, but boy is it hard to watch up close!
Recently, God allowed me to watch another mother-daughter relationship, but only from the daughter’s side. It really cracked my perspective open, wider than before. I could see it from a more emotionally detached perspective and it was so very helpful.
The mother and daughter were both pushing in opposite directions, but both are good and correct directions. The daughter is pushing for independence. The mother is pulling back to keep her daughter protected. These things both need to happen during this stage of life, but it is a battle. There is blood drawn and tears shed and it goes on for years.
It is easy as a mother to become weary in this battle. To feel we are not doing it right somehow. “Why is there so much conflict if I’m doing it right?” you say to yourself.
I’ve come to realize a few things that have been helpful to me.
- This battle happens no matter if I’m doing it right or not. Sure, I can always do better, but what is happening is not my fault or hers, it just IS.
- All my past mistakes as her mother do not determine who she is as a grown woman. That is between her and God and boy, this one is hard to swallow. It’s wrapped up in my own guilt, shame, pride and desire to be God. I’m still chipping away at accepting this one.
- Drugs are difficult to keep away from my (and everyone’s) children- but being in the know is best so I drug test them! At least I know for certain and at-home tests are cheap online.
- One day she will appreciate all the time I took to be the best mother I could be- but that day is not today! I only know this because I now appreciate my mother more than ever.
So obviously I have not seen the end of this journey. My daughter is still at home and a teenager and I also have a younger daughter to do this whole process with too! But I do believe being around other mothers who are encouraging and empathetic are a salve on my soul. My soul can feel so raw and injured at times that being around women who are doing this too, is wonderful. I guess misery really does love company! But seriously, I urge you to find mothers to listen to you and encourage you and maybe even drink a little with you when that is all there is to be done!
Mark