Ok, so I am clearly not a teenager. My title here is not reflective of my age, but of the state of my house. I have four teenagers, one of which who does not currently live with us, and two who are my bonus kids. This means most of my parenting energy goes towards teenagers, which is no small feat, and it mostly ends in my heart aching.
I remember always hearing that the teenage years are the hardest. Boy were they not kidding! I guess you cannot appreciate it until you are there or maybe I was just naive, but now I seriously get it. The rub of the children thinking they have it all figured out or being so unsure of themselves that they freeze is an odd phenomenon. I have realized that either way they lean they still need the same things from me- choices, boundaries, guidance and encouragement. Did I miss something? This is a real work in progress and I need all the input I can get. I have been thinking that I need a support group for this, anybody in?
CHOICES- this has been difficult for me as a parent. I feel like you should earn choices, but if I let that happen some of my kiddos would never have any choice…..so now I just have to allow things that I seriously know they will screw up. It is so hard.
BOUNDARIES- obvious, right? But this is hard because I get so exhausted. There is a physical toll to this one- I feel physically drained once I hold those boundaries like I was pushing them backwards. But I have to keep reminding myself that while they are scowling and muttering under their breath (eye-rolling is punishable, but I think there is an undercover eye-roll that I haven’t quite figured out yet) if I did not hold the line they will not feel loved by me! So hard.
GUIDANCE- this one comes by the way of force or not. I’ve had some super uncomfortable (for them) conversations with each of my kids and I know that they just have to hear it (i.e. sexuality before marriage, “no always means no”, don’t be alone in the room with a girl ). We have also started an “11 and up talk” in our house once a week. We come up with topics and talk about everyone’s ideas about them and allow them to ask us questions. They all remind us about it every week, so I think we’re on to something!
ENCOURAGEMENT- I am trying really hard on this one right now. Certain kids do so many things that need negative attention, bad grades, bad attitude etc, that I realize most of my interactions are negative (this is especially hard with my oldest who doesn’t live with me right now). I am learning to just drop by and give him a hug. Or text a meme that says I love you in a funny way. I don’t want him to think that all I can talk about is what he’s doing wrong (but these always seem like an emergency!). This one is perhaps the most rewarding part of parenting teenagers (so far anyway). Seeing him smile when I do this means so much to my aching heart.
My oldest is rounding 17 so I am still new to this game and could use all the help I can get. Let me know your thoughts on this! What parenting strategies do you have that have worked well for teens?