The D word part 1

Recovery is a weird word. It can mean so many things in so many directions. I am thinking about recovery from “The D word” or divorce, which is a mixed bag. You are recovering from things you did to yourself and things someone did to you. You are recovering from a death (of the marriage and your old life) and recovering from old habits and ways of thinking. You are not recovering alone if you have kids, but at the same time you are alone. 

But being alone is important during this time. You must reacquaint yourself with you, and even before that you have to figure out who you are now that you are single. Decisions have to be made, so many decisions. 

But wait, back up.

First you must grieve. No matter how terrible and/or abusive your marriage was you have to mourn it. You’ve probably heard the stages of grief; denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. But you may not know that you can move back and forth through the process. It’s not a train on a track, it’s more like playing frogger. Forward, backward, wait, wait, zoom up, go sideways, all while trying not to be hit by the truck. Even though most days you feel like you were already hit and are just trying to avoid the next semi.

Also everyone does this differently, even from themselves.

I’ve truly been through the grief process twice in my life as an adult and here are my two paths.

Death of my dad:

Denial

Bargaining

Anger –I did all three of these during the two years of his illness, but alternated between them.

Depression- I was numb for about 4 months after his death, and then the depression set in.

Acceptance- I think I felt better about 1 year after his death, but I’m still sad at times even now 5 years later.

Divorce:

Denial

Bargaining- The first two went very quickly in about 2 month.

Anger

Depression- Then I alternated between these two for another 7 months.

Acceptance- After a lot of struggling I felt so much better at month 8.

But I would say that the search for the new me (which was actually the original me just healthier) started by the anger phase. Journaling was very helpful in sorting out who I wanted to be. Forgiveness was also extremely helpful, and I am talking about forgiving yourself. Start there, forgiving the other person can be more difficult (or not!) and doesn’t need to come until later. Although it does need to happen.

But back to the new you, a much more fun topic. My journal was my place to write. Write dreams for my future, where hope was growing. I wrote mission statements for a new marriage, a step-dad for my kids and even a bullet list of qualities I wanted for a spouse. I also wrote letters to my ex-husband, only one of which I gave to him. Mostly the journal was my thoughts that I felt were toxic unless I could physically put them somewhere. On some of the pages my handwriting is terrible because I was trembling with all the emotion that was pouring out. 

I also spent time doing things I love; dancing, hosting parties for my girlfriends and planning trips. This list of things I love to do took me a lot of thinking and remembering to come up with. You may find it hard to believe, but the fact that I did not know what I love doing is a common problem for lots of people. *But I did figure it out and realized it was all my fault that I had forgotten.  I now make it a priority in my life to do the things I love.

One of the other hard things was figuring out what was me and what was survival behavior. Being self-aware in this area was a serious process. I would get a feeling that how I was behaving was uncomfortable. Then I would pause and compare my behavior to what I knew to be the real me. If it didn’t line up I’d have to dig down to search for the why. Why was I doing it this way? Steering clear of blaming was important in these times, but equally important was being sad that I’d let myself change. The sadness had to be followed by compassion for myself, not condemnation. My therapist once told me not to measure my old self by my new measuring stick. That was a helpful thought.

But I’m not going to lie, three + years later and I’m still doing this “weeding out” of survival behaviors. It has more to do with my behaviors around relationships than anything else.  It takes a lot of practice.

Doing all this work has really paid off. My mother told me that I got my sparkle back. That felt nice. My ex even noticed. He looked surprised and told me I looked really happy. And I was! Joyful in fact.

The divorce was the hardest and suckiest thing I’ve done, to date, but it brought me back to the true me. She’s a joyful and adventurous person who I happen to like a lot.

*If this makes you mad, or if you want to know more, check out the book “Codependent No More” which is on the Resources section of my website.