The D word part 2: That Bitter Pill

During my divorce, my finances became very scary, which I’m sure no one is exempt from. As a way of both padding my income and using up my weekends without kids (to keep the sad  loneliness to a minimum) I got a few part-time jobs. One was delivering groceries with Shipt (I figured I’m a pro at this so why not get paid to do it!). The other was an assistant at a florist shop. The florist job was only on Saturday mornings helping set up for weddings, and it was my favorite. I was learning a new skill, I love being around fresh CUT flowers (important because I am a horrible gardener) and I found a new community. 

The ladies I was arranging flowers with were mostly divorcees. I heard a lot of their stories and learned just how not alone I was. I got to see the different outcomes from many different women. Bitterness, rebellion and my boss, she was gracious. I knew I wanted to be like her. 

Missy, my boss and the owner of the shop, had been divorced a long time and had remarried. Other women were single and didn’t seem to be dating or even interested in it. They seemed content in their anger and bitterness. I struggled to figure out how she managed to be so different. So I listened to her talk. She had a lot of wonderful words of wisdom. I also talked through this with my pastor. Through all of this listening I learned a few things.

1. Being bitter is a result of not being able to forgive.
2. Forgiveness is a process.

When we see bitterness in others it repels us. Think about a time you’ve seen it. We generally withdraw from people who are bitter and try not to spend time with them. That’s how I felt about those women in the flower shop. I knew I didn’t want to repel others so I dug down into my process of forgiving. 

And let me say, forgiving sucks.  Queue next lesson on the list..

3. Forgiveness hurts you, not the person who hurt you. But being unable to forgive hurts you more and for as long as you allow it to continue.

Forgiving is painful because you must feel ALL the feelings. I’m a type 8 on the Enneagram so I really don’t want to feel all the feelings. That would mean admitting that I have them. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, which I despise. Vulnerability is a loss of control, which the co-dependent part of me also despises. So much icky……

One piece of forgiving that I had to keep going back to was that people’s behavior had to do with them. My behavior has to do with me and other’s behavior has to do with them. Their behavior was not a reflection of me or my character, but of their own. People treat you poorly because they are unworthy, not you. Putting the blame on the correct people makes the path to forgiveness straighter. Once the arrows are pointing at the correct people then you know what you need to forgive them for and what you need to forgive yourself for.

But forgiving is hard.

Feeling all those feelings; hurt, shame, anger, pain. It sucks royally. When you come to an empty point with the feelings just rest a minute. I remember nights after writing a lot in my journal I would just lay on my bathroom floor and cry to God. I would tell Him I was so tired of having feelings, could He please just take them for me? And He would. I could eventually get off the floor and go to bed. And rest.

But let me say that the anger had a sneaky thing about it. Here comes the next lesson;

4. Forgiveness is giving away the right to be mad.

I would feel like I had processed something really well and dang it, if the anger wouldn’t just creep back in. I think it is the power in it. When you let anger roll off your tongue and wield it like a whip, you feel strong. Able to hurt people who have hurt you- Oh the vengeance in it! But our hearts are not made for that. The anger dissipates and then you are back to sad. Who really wants to be sad? (If you are an Enneagram type 4 maybe you do..but not the rest of us.) You have to learn to not pick up your weapon of anger again. This takes some doing, especially for the big stuff. Daily, doing…

5. Forgiveness is a choice we make daily.

Forgiving someone does not excuse what they did. It means that you fully recognise the awful that was done and after proper processing you’ve relinquished your right to be angry. Don’t skip the angry part, that’s crucial for the big stuff. But once you are done, be done. It feels so much better when you are free. 

Please also look back and notice that there are no steps to forgiveness that require another person. No apology, amends or retribution from anyone. If that were true it would be called reconciliation, which does require forgiveness but the reverse is not true. Forgiveness is just about you.

Now once you have gotten through most of your forgiveness process, it’s time for the final step.

6. Set new expectations of the person who hurt you to line up with reality.

I found that I lived in constant fear of the person I had forgiven when I failed to do this step. I had made myself into a doormat. But there is a way around this that is not bitterness or fear. Whatever the person did to you, expect them to do it again. If they lied to you, expect them to lie again. Not about everything (unless that’s what they did previously), but to a similar level and situation they did before. Over time if they prove otherwise, by not lying in similar situations, then you can move your expectations back. This part of the process is very important if you have to continue in relationship with the person i.e mother, co-worker, father of your children. Once your expectations match reality, you can avoid unnecessary pain by not allowing their behavior to hurt you again. 

I think this sums it up, but I do want to add that people around you are doing this process daily FOR YOU. We are all sinners and need forgiveness regularly. Do not get yourself so far down in a hole that you forget you are not alone in this, nor are you guiltless. It’s a tension we have to hold in life; people will hurt you and you will hurt people.

Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you”

Begin your process today friend.